I thought this post would be beneficial for anyone who has never really thought about how hard the life of a blind person can be sometimes. I have recently been suffering from depression due to my lack of sight and I thought a blog post would raise awareness of daily struggles I face.
The majority of the time I am a positive and happy person but from September to February 2016 I have been clinically depressed after having a mental breakdown. You may be wondering why I would disclose this information all over the internet… I want to help people in my situation and prove to people not suffering with a serious disability that disabled people actually have feelings. We are humans at the end of the day. Just because I cannot see does not mean my feelings should not be valued. My life isn’t as hard as some but over the past few months it has felt impossible. Living in darkness everyday after knowing a world with light is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I still wake up every morning wishing I had it back and it is coming up to the 3 year anniversary of the day I became almost totally blind. Friday 24th March 2013. I dread this date every year as it brings such sadness to myself, my boyfriend and my family/friends. I have recently been to counselling and opening up about my deepest feelings has definitely got easier and is helping me to be happy as a woman without eyesight.
Even writing this post is helping me get my feelings out and in turn it is another step towards my happiness. I desperately want happiness because I genuinely don’t think I have been truly happy in 3 years. I love posting videos on YouTube about my life and how I cope but I feel I only cope half of the time. When walking independently with my guide dog Olga, when I am with my boyfriend/family/friends, when I read your comments on YouTube, when I am filming or standing in front of people when motivational speaking – this is when I am happy but when I crawl into bed after a day of happiness it always comes back to my feelings of sorrow. Everyone in my life who I am the most close with has eyesight and will never truly feel what I do on a daily basis. I would never want anyone to go through this if they didn’t have to. However, this does not mean I do not feel desperately alone sometimes.
The day in the life of my darkest thoughts:
I wake up feeling completely worthless wishing I could be the sighted 17 year old teenager I was. I think of all the people I am close to and realise I have now forgotten what they look like. My best friend has grown her hair and all I can recall is her 17 year old haircut. I desperately want to know how my boyfriend looks as a 19 year old not just the 16 year old that has now faded from my memory. I wish I could laugh at silly photos. I wish I could Snapchat my friends. I wish I knew what I truly looked like in a new dress. I want to see my beautiful labrador’s face. I fear in the future I will never be able to see my own children and this devastates me. I wish that people I don’t know didn’t just see me as a blind woman walking down the road with her guide dog. I wish I could run in the park without holding onto someone. I wish that I don’t have to remember where every little thing is in my entire flat. I really just want to walk outside and run where ever I want to and not be afraid of not knowing where I am. I wish I was able to ride a bike on my own. I wish I could see the laptop screen I am typing on right now. I wish I remembered what a beautiful sunny day looked like. I think of the past 3 years and all the things I could’ve seen. All the nights out with friends, my 18th birthday cake, my boyfriend’s smile, my sister’s face when she got into university, all my friends new university friends and the image of my relatively new flat. I will forever miss the sighted world and the beauty I once appreciated. I have never seen my boyfriend’s extended family and will never have an image of the best friends he talks about. I have to live with the fact I have forgotten almost everything I once saw in detail. I can never drive a car and I pretty much always have to plan ahead.
I have now let you into my grieving brain and I am sorry that I am not my positive self. I hate being negative most of the time. Despite all of these bad thoughts I have adapted, finally, to technology for the blind and before this month I was resistant to even type on my laptop. Everyone needs time to grieve a loss and I am working on not thinking of the negatives of blindness everyday. If I can truly accept my blindness and don’t wish for yesterday then I can make a better tomorrow.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, speak soon,